Pinch Protector

In elementary school, I loved St. Patrick’s Day. Leprechauns were about the coolest creatures around. And every time they added another marshmallow shape to their cereal, they got even cooler! Yet one thing which disappointed me every March 17th was going to go to bed without finding a four-leaf clover that day.

But a few years ago, my wife and I were hiking in the rain and stumbled upon a huge patch of clovers. We walked along the edge to keep from trampling them, and I said, “Wouldn’t it be cool to one day find a…hey!…I found a four-leaf clover!” JoanMarie, the eternal optimist, said, “Okay, now I want to find one.” I rolled my eyes because you can’t just say you want to find a four-leaf clover and expect to…

“Found one.”

Now those clovers are displayed in my writing room, even though they lost their green a long time ago. (And no, we don’t mind that the fourth leaf on each clover is kind of stubby. It still counts!)


But Saint Patrick’s Day is all about the green…though some people take it too far. I’m not talking about the people who wear nothing but green or paint their faces green or use dye to turn their peanut butter green. I’m talking about people who designate themselves the Color Guards. “That’s not green, that’s lime.” Pinch! “Dark green doesn’t count.” Pinch! “Light green doesn’t count.” Pinch!

Seriously, there’s something wrong with those people.

The way I see it, you can’t spell greenish without green. It’s all about intent! If a girl puts on her greenish sweater rather than her red one, she’s safe. If a guy puts on his greenish shoes rather than his brown ones, he’s off limits.

So to help save your skin from the Color Guards today, I whipped up a green-scale to print, laminate, and take with you. If someone extends an index finger and thumb at you, smirks, then makes a pinching motion, hold the marker up to your clothing and tell them to pinch someone else.

You’re welcome.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!